I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Your penis caused this!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
