Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
