This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
