i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
