What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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