his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
