wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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