where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
