this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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