You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
