It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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