I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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