you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
