About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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