Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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