I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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