He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
