does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My feet surprised me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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