I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
