I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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