Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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