who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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