when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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