i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
