remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You made out with two different species that night
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
