im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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