Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
