Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
