we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
