just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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