ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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