Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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