I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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