My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
