a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
