There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
