I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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