Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
