remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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