I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
