She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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