you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
