Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
