So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
