I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
