I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
