I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
