why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
