i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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