Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
