How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
