im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
