drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
